I love how the list becomes a portrait of oneself. As I read your letter, I felt that I didn’t want to make a list of all those I loved. Sadly, too much pain, not enough joy. But when I reached the end of your letter and read that the list would be a portrait of me, I experienced that delightful “Aha” moment. Still kind of painful since many of my loves were ill-chosen, but all these loves have shaped me and reflecting on them allows me a deeper understanding of myself. Probably a bit narcissistic of me, but even at nearly 69, I’m still trying to understand me.
I don't focus on that part. Mine isn't a huge list of people who love me now either. I'm not in touch with all my childhood friends by any means. It's more about appreciating the act of loving. I'm going through a divorce right now and cancer treatment at the same time. I can't control who loves me now or who shows up for me and who doesn't. But I can focus on how I have loved, and I think there is a lot of meaning in that.
I agree; in fact the one thing that has defined my understanding of my life (as a writer and hobbyist philosopher) is my search for pattern and meaning. This declaration has left most lovers in the dust as I careen on. I am still in recovery from my last marriage and its divorce which took 18 agonizing months so I hear you. I can’t imagine your additional challenge of illness. May you triumph in both arenas and emerge into a new lightness of being. Your writing through it all serves both you and your readers.
This is an inspiring piece. The kind of writing that I aspire to. It inspired me to think differently about a novel I am finishing up about old friends/people you loved. Wow. What an impact. The writing is gorgeous too.
Thank you so much. This was just what I needed to read this Sunday evening. My sister died over Easter and will be buried next week. That's just one of the touchpoints that came up for me. But what a fabulous way of writing a portrait?!
Hmm. I haven’t been able to build the level of richness you have gotten. I end up using the pencil or the ink tools but I will give it another shot. Thanks for sharing all of it today.
The main brushes I use are the oil paint brush, turpentine, and I think the HB pencil. I tried to build it up like I would a real oil painting but it took some experimenting.
Dear Summer, this piece literally took my breath away. The deep wisdom. The truth. A whole new perspective on all the loves good and bad. Thank you. Please keep writing and sharing. P.S. however did you get the brushes in procreate to make your wonderful painting?
I just use the default oil paint brush, and I like to play around with transparency. I try to "paint" there like I did/do on canvas. I like a bright ground, and then put other colors on top of that. I play around with using layers as well.
Although I never met you, our souls are friends .You are on my list. Write on and on.
Jane! Thank you so so much <3
I love how the list becomes a portrait of oneself. As I read your letter, I felt that I didn’t want to make a list of all those I loved. Sadly, too much pain, not enough joy. But when I reached the end of your letter and read that the list would be a portrait of me, I experienced that delightful “Aha” moment. Still kind of painful since many of my loves were ill-chosen, but all these loves have shaped me and reflecting on them allows me a deeper understanding of myself. Probably a bit narcissistic of me, but even at nearly 69, I’m still trying to understand me.
It’s a love-ly essay but I cannot do the list because it underlines how little and how few love me now.
Sad but that’s what’s left after a life of loving too hard. Next time around I will love more cautiously, but I may not succeed.
I don't focus on that part. Mine isn't a huge list of people who love me now either. I'm not in touch with all my childhood friends by any means. It's more about appreciating the act of loving. I'm going through a divorce right now and cancer treatment at the same time. I can't control who loves me now or who shows up for me and who doesn't. But I can focus on how I have loved, and I think there is a lot of meaning in that.
I agree; in fact the one thing that has defined my understanding of my life (as a writer and hobbyist philosopher) is my search for pattern and meaning. This declaration has left most lovers in the dust as I careen on. I am still in recovery from my last marriage and its divorce which took 18 agonizing months so I hear you. I can’t imagine your additional challenge of illness. May you triumph in both arenas and emerge into a new lightness of being. Your writing through it all serves both you and your readers.
Thanks so much Ellen ❤️
Summer, this might be the Substack essay of the year. Thank you for the depth of your love. And for sharing it broadly. 🙏❤️
Definitely, James. It's incredible <3
Thank you so much James!!
You write with nothing less than astounding beauty.
🥰❤️
Love this. Will make my list. And —I keep smiling thinking of the old long lost friend I drank Orange Julius with at the mall (in Cleveland).
Your writing is so often (as now) so achingly beautiful. Thank you.
I love the writing in this, eloquent, heartfelt, fierce. Thank you. You sound strong in it, and I’m holding that you are.
Like Jane, you’re on my list too.
So…I love you, Summer. Shine on.
❤️❤️❤️❤️🥰🥰
That was lovely...a poem, really. Thank you so much.
This is an inspiring piece. The kind of writing that I aspire to. It inspired me to think differently about a novel I am finishing up about old friends/people you loved. Wow. What an impact. The writing is gorgeous too.
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much. This was just what I needed to read this Sunday evening. My sister died over Easter and will be buried next week. That's just one of the touchpoints that came up for me. But what a fabulous way of writing a portrait?!
Hmm. I haven’t been able to build the level of richness you have gotten. I end up using the pencil or the ink tools but I will give it another shot. Thanks for sharing all of it today.
The main brushes I use are the oil paint brush, turpentine, and I think the HB pencil. I tried to build it up like I would a real oil painting but it took some experimenting.
Dear Summer, this piece literally took my breath away. The deep wisdom. The truth. A whole new perspective on all the loves good and bad. Thank you. Please keep writing and sharing. P.S. however did you get the brushes in procreate to make your wonderful painting?
I just use the default oil paint brush, and I like to play around with transparency. I try to "paint" there like I did/do on canvas. I like a bright ground, and then put other colors on top of that. I play around with using layers as well.
Oh how I adore the magic you create with words. And love the digital sketch.
May you be well, Summer.
Beautiful and so thought provoking. I'm making my list.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder that love, in all its complexities, is a testament to our humanity.
Lovely, Summer. Just like all your thoughtful words were in class. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Miss the writing.